Releasing the Need For


Four years ago today, I stopped smoking.

Four years ago today, smoking became the thing I would no longer do.

It was not about quitting. It was not about depriving myself. It was not even about becoming healthy, really.

It was all about letting go.

Letting go, at first, of the chemical need. Letting go and allowing my body to function without the dependency of chemicals holding up my infrastructure.

And then it was about the emotional need. Letting go of the feeling that I needed the cigarettes to support me — to calm nerves, to ease pain, to celebrate joy. Reminding myself that nerves and pain and joy come and go on their own accord, no matter the addiction on which we lean.

In the big picture, it was about that kind of letting go. But in the smaller picture, in those first days and weeks, it was about a minute-by-minute letting go:

No, I do not need you.
No, I do not need you.
No, I do not need you.

I pushed the thoughts away like flies. In my mind with a word I pushed — away. In the air with my hand I pushed — away. I pushed and pushed until they appeared less and less.

In a way, it is the same effort I make now — in my meditations, in my walks, in my yoga. A minute-by-minute letting go of thoughts, instead of nicotine.

No, I do not need you.
No, I do not need you.
No, I do not need you.

Letting go of things must be that way — in the minute-by-minute, in the day-by-day, in the year-by-year.

No, I do not need you.
No, I do not need you.
No, I do not need you.

Until you feel it release from your soul…

• • •

I remain in daily gratitude to everyone who supported this effort four years ago, and now. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I love you!

• • •

©2013, Jen Payne

6 thoughts on “Releasing the Need For

Add yours

  1. Congratulations! Breaking a habit, whether a physical or mental one, is a triumph. Each day is part of the parade, every tiny step of it is part of the event.

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